The Mega Fic!
by HahaHeathaLynne
Summary: Includes the magnificent Cookiemonster328 and Wolfga97, and of course myself. No, you don't have to read it all, but it would be nice. AND, we would all love you for eternity. There WILL be sequels... Ya know, if anyone reads this one that is. CX
1. Chapter 1

Heatha: Hello! My name is SmileHeathaLynne, but for this fic and the sake of your precious eyes, I shall shorten my name... To just Heatha. I'm sorry if anyone seems OOC, you'll just have to deal with it XD YOU! Introduce yourself! NOW!

Cookie: Psh, NO!

Heatha: (gives stern look) DO IT WOMAN! OR YOU'RE SOOO STAYING WITH THE WOLFMAN TONIGHT!

Cookie: As in, "in the jungle, the mighty jungle, the wolfman sleeps tonight?"

Heatha: (exasperated) No, because he doesn't sleep that well, especially at night, and he most certainly does NOT live in the jungle... There would be no monkeys left T_T

Cookie: WHAT! NO MONKEYS! *sigh* fine I'll introduce myself, but only for the sake of the monkeys... I'm cookiemonster328 but I'm gonna be cookie here to save my time mostly, but it saves you time too so that's good and stuff. But yea, the Darren Shan Saga's my ADDICTION!... Oh and JUST so you know... Evra is mine. Technically he's the authors but I stole him. So Evra's mine now. I WILL harm you if you try to snatch him up. As in nuclear bombs WILL be used.

Heatha: Um, Mika is mine, but I'm not that violent... I might be with motivation. I wouldn't advise it though.

Cookie: Hmm, some of the book characters need to talk now... KURDA! GET YOUR SPARKLY MAN WOMAN BOOTY IN HERE!

Kurda: Uhm, hi. I'm... Kurda. Right? Is that okay? I didn't mean to say anything wrong! PLEASE DON'T SEND MIKA AFTER ME AGAIN! I DIDN'T MEAN TO EAT HIS SHAMPOO! *has a meltdown*

Heatha: I hate chuu

Mika: *Pops out of no where* HE DID WHAT?

Kurda: NO! *runs toward the hall of the final voyage hoping to redo darren's stunt and somehow get out of the mountain in one piece*

Cookie: Hmm, I feel lonely. EVRA! I CHOOSE YOU! *throws pokeball*

Evra: *pops out of pokeball* DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE IN THERE! IT'S DARK AND SCARY AND I HAD TO GO PEE REALLY BAD! WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST LOCK ME IN WITH THE WOLFMAN!

Cookie: *pouty face* I'm sorry. But I looooovvvveeee you! *Hugs*

Evra: grrr. *pats cookie's head*

Cookie: *faints from joy*

Heatha: I love you *Looks at Mika*

Mika: *Looking at camera* I didn't agree to any of this

Heatha: Oh dear, Cookie. Get off the floor. You're slobbering on Evra's feet. *sigh*

Cookie: But it's cute right! *puppy dog eyes*

Mika: Oh Lord

Heatha: Oh, um, well, uh, errrr. Yes?

Evra: Say yes or she'll cry!

Cookie: *begins to sniffle*

Heatha: OH GODS YES!

Cookie: YAY! Does Mika think it's cute too! *death glare*

Mika: No *serious face*

Cookie: EXCUSE ME! WHAT WAS THAT MISTER! *lifts Mika and trodds off to the hall of death*

Heatha: HE SAID YES HE SAID YES HE SAID YES! EVRA! DO SOMETHING!

Evra: Cookie! It's okay! Just put the big mean vampire prince down and we can go for cookies later okay? *frantic*

Cookie: Really!

Evra: *sigh* yes really.

Cookie: YAYYAYYAYYAYYAY! *drops Mika like he's on fire and runs to hug Evra but is stopped by mysterious bodyguards that came from nowhere*

Bodyguard: Nobody gets to Evra without id.

Evra: this won't turn out good.

Cookie: *pummels all the bodyguards to a pulp then runs to get EVERYONE'S social security cards and throws them everywhere* Does this work!

Heatha: Oh no...

Mika: *Still on floor*: Ow. She's STRONG

Heatha: Aw, did the scary girl hurt you?

Mika: *shameface* maybe.

Heatha: We should probably get out of here before-

Cookie: NOOOOO! DON'T LEAVE ME! WITHOUT YOU GUYS I'D HAVE TO GO BACK TO SUMMERCAMP! THEY HAVE WEIRD JACKETS THAT MAKE YOU HUG YOURSELF AND I DON'T LIKE THEM!

Heatha: We aren't leaving, Cookie! I promise, it's okay.

Darren: *Walking in, looking for something* where is it?

Heatha: What are YOU doing here?

Cookie: SHAN! What are you doing here! AND YOU LEFT EVRA YOU (obsene words not allowed in this fic)! *Hugs darren* I MISSED YOU!

Mika: She has quite the colorful vocabulary, doesn't she?

Darren: *Turning different shades of blue*

Larten: *Also comes in on mysterious account*

Heatha: Okay, this is just getting weird.

Cookie: HEY LOOK! IT'S GINGER BUDDY! what are you doing here you grouch! You're not a vampire! It's a silly idea to be here with out massive amounts of strength or vampire abilities! Come on, lets get you back to your mommy. SEBA! WHERE ARE YOU! *Picks up Larten like a small child* Don't worry, we'll find your mommy soon.

Larten: *Dumbfounded face* What is going on here? SHAN!

Darren: WHA? I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING I WAS BEING HUG STRANGLED JUST TWO SECONDS AGO!

Heatha: Uh, um, Cookie, put down the ginger child, okay? I'll go find his mommy. *Walks out of the room and then drags Seba Nile back in by the feet*

Seba: *drunk or half asleep, there's no telling which* Oh, look, my dear child. I want to go home. I want to eat those wonderful mushrooms that I had yesterday.

Cookie: OH NO! Larten, your mommy is having some troubles with her... mushroom obsession. So she's no longer a fit mommy. BUT DON'T CRY YOU POOR CHILD! I'LL BE YOUR MOMMY! EVRA! MEET YOUR NEW SON!

Evra: Oh HECK no.

Seba: So now I am now a woman? Oh, bother. Where is that new purple dress that slims me down and gives me that lovely hourglass figure.

Mika: *Sneaking away* Dear Gods, help me.

Cookie: MIKA! What are you doing! Can I sneak too! *everyone looks at Mika and Heatha starts crying and shouting "HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME! I LOVE YOU!"*

Mika: Oh, nononono, I was just, um. Going to get us some refreshments?

Heatha: YOU LIE TO ME!

Kurda: I brought muffins!

Darren: Oh my

Larten: I am surrounded by LOONS

Seba: I can not find my lipstick! And those muffins are an abomination! They ruin my lovely figure! *Smacks Kurda*

Cookie: SOMEONE SAVE THE MUFFINS! *muffins tumble through the air in slow motion*

Mika: Let them go...

Evra: I'LL GET IT!

Kurda: AUGH! MY MUFFINS! THEY BRING ALL THEM BOYS TO THE YARD!

Heatha: I would have a doctor see that...

Darren: Can I go now?

Larten: NOOOO!

*Muffin basket sails through the air, quite dramatically as well. They fly gracefully, landing in Mika Ver Leth's unexpecting hands, who drops them like they are on fire*

Cookie: *GASP* MY HERO! *tackles Mika in adoration, leaping over the muffins to get to him*

Heatha: Oh, no girl, this is NOT going down this way.*Get's in between Cookie and Mika*

Cookie: *accidentally tackles heatha who tumbles into the muffin basket so the muffins fall onto the floor* NOOOOOOOOO! *Crys uncontrolably* EVRA! COMFORT ME!

Heatha: Mika, did she hurt you again? Really, you should probably stand up for yourself more.

Mika: Did that just happen?

Evra: *sigh* see what you guys do! Now I have to hug her!

Cookie: HUG! *stops crying and looks up hopefully* REALLY!

Evra: Yes, really. *Marches over to cookie like a soldier going into battle and hugs her then cookie returns the hug very gently not wanting to break her precious Evra*

Everyone: SHE CAN BE GENTLE! *OMGFACE*

Heatha: It's time for a change of scenery...

Mika: Just NOT outside this time, okay?

Heatha: *Shameface* Fine... *Claps her hands and the whole group finds themselves standing in the middle of the tunnel that Murlough held Evra in*

Evra: *Meltdown* AUGH! *hugs cookie*

Cookie: *gleeOMGhappyface*

Heatha: Oh, oopsie... OH, here we go *Claps her hands again and they are all suddenly in Mr. Talls trailer*

Mr. Tall: I was expecting you... You're three seconds late...

Heatha: *Shameface*... Yeah.

Cookie: It's her fault! *death glare at heather* *and is still holding Evra*

Heatha: IT IS NOT MY FAULT! HEEEEEE *Points at Darren* WAS THINKING ABOUT IT!

Darren: WOAH! They can read minds? WHAT ARE THEY?

Larten: Spawn of Desmond Tiny, it seems.

Heatha: *Glaring at Darren and Larten* Speak for yourselves (mutters something about stupid gingers and those-we-would-be-better-off-without)

Cookie: *death glares at Darren*

Darren: Oh no.

Cookie: YOU! *proceeds to punch Darrens lights out*

Mr. Tall: *To Mika* So, Master Ver Leth, it's been awhile since I've seen you.

Mika: Yes, too long.

Heatha: *Growls and joins Cookie*

Mr. Tall: Are they always like this?

Mika: Yup.

Mr. Tall: And is there any way to stop them?

*Mika and Evra exchange looks*

Mika: HEATHA

Evra:COOKIE

*Both girls look up. The guys are holding their arms wide open for hugs*

Heatha + Cookie :GLEEOMGHAPPYFACES!

Cookie: I LOVE YOU! *jumps into Evras arms*

Mika: *Being strangle-hugged by Heatha* CAN'T BREATHE!

Mr. Tall: Okay, girls, I think that's quite enough.

Both: Butbutbutbut!

Mr. Tiny: I agree, that's quite enough.

Mika: It should surprise me that he just popped out of nowhere... But it doesn't.

Larten: I can not be surprised by anything any longer.

Darren: Can I borrow a new pair of pants?

Seba: MY EYELINER IS SMUDGED!

Evra: Can I leave now?

Cookie: NOOO

Kurda: AUGH!

Heatha: Hi Mr. Tiny!

Mr. Tiny: Hello.

Mika: Again, not surprised. Where did you two meet? PsychicsRUs?

Heatha: *sadface* That's mean, Mika.

Mika: I'm sorry.

Cookie: I'm not! I go there all the time! DADDY! Do you still have that creepy heart shaped watch! Can I hold it again? I felt all powerful when I did that!

Mr. Tall: *facepalm* What she MEANT to say was TINY! NOT daddy. Psh, why would she ever call him that!

Heatha: *Horrified look* Cookie! How could you!

Mr. Tall: She didn't say anything *hissed with urgency*

Tiny: *laughing* I don't see anything wrong with it. Am I not allowed to have children?

Mika: Um, no?

Cookie: I'm bored. BLEEPBLOOPBLEEP!

Seba: OH NO! WHAT IS THAT ABOMINATION! IT IS GOING TO STEAL MY BABIES!... Wait. Am I still a woman?

Cookie: NOPE! Now you're a transvestite! Have fun!

Seba: Transvestite? What does this mean!

Cookie: Uh, Heatha will explain it to you! *snaps fingers and we are all magically in a classroom with heatha at the head of the class*

Heatha: Well, ummm, you see, Seba... A transvestite is...Okay, class, pop quiz, what is a transvestite? *Mr. Tiny raises his hand* Yes Mr. Tiny?

Mr. Tiny: Transvestites are, in Seba's case, men who get things below the waist chopped off and get things added on in the chest area.

Seba: BUT I ALREADY AM A WOMAN!

Mr. Tiny: …...Okay then. You get things added below the waist and get things in the chest area removed.

Seba: I do not understand.

Cookie: IT MEANS THEY CHOP OFF YOUR BOOBS AND GIVE YOU A WEINER OKAY! JEEZ, CAN YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE WALK AROUND WAY TO SAY THINGS!

Seba: Oh dear. Can I just be a man like I once was? All of this man to woman to man stuff is an abominated scheme to confuse me and it has worked so I am just going to go back to being a man.

Cookie: Fine. You're no fun.

Larten: FINALLY MY MENTOR IS NOT A LITTLE GIRLS PUPPET! *tears of joy*

Cookie: Haha, Larten you're silly! You're all my puppets! See, watch. *snaps fingers, making Larten have to dance* DANCE MY PUPPET, DANCE! MUAHAHAHAHA! Anyway, point proven. *snaps fingers again and Larten regains control of himself.*

Larten: *sobs* I can be controlled by a little girl! My existence means nothing! My reputation is ruined! VAMPIRES DO NOT DANCE!

Cookie: Psh, of course they do! *gets out a laptop and shows Larten a fanart of the vampires dancing*

Larten: Eyes. Burning. Soul. Melting. Brain. Dying. *collapses to the ground*

Cookie:... oh. Someone should help him. SEBA!

Seba: AHHHH!... what?

Cookie: Pull his ear hair. It is cruel. But it must be done.

Seba: *Yanks minuscule hairs from Larten's ears*

Larten: OUCH! THAT WAS RUDE! SEBA! I THOUGHT WE ALREADY TALKED ABOUT PULLING EAR HAIR JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE SAYS SOMETHING WRONG!

Seba: *blink* She told me too. *points at cookie*

Cookie: *blink blink* I did. I'M BORED OF THIS CLASS ROOM! OFF TO KILL DEBBIE WE GO!

Darren: But she scares me!

Cookie: Don't worry, that's why we're going to slay her!


	2. Chapter 2

Heatha: *In odd, scary, demonic voice with a flashlight pointed at her* When we last left you, the odd bunch of individuals was heading off to find and kill something-err-somebody, more foul then Vancha's breath. DEBBIE!

Darren: *Hyperventilating* Can we go now?

Mika: Shut up you wuss! It's just your ex girlfriend

Darren: You don't understand... Nobody understands. She has CHANGED!

Seba: Can Heatha turn that abomination off so that we can turn the regular lights on? I find myself feeling oddly claustrophobic.

Evra: Awh! But I like the dark! It makes my snakey side happy! *Flicks tounge like a snake*

Cookie: See! Is that not attractive!

Darren: Do you even know her that well, Evra?

Evra: Not really. But apparently she knows everything about my life and refuses to leave my side so I put up with her.

Cookie: YES! I'M TOLERATED BY EVRA! SEE I TOLD YOU IT WOULD HAPPEN SOMEDAY HEATHA!

Heatha: He loves you... He has to, he has no choice. Tiny will eliminate him otherwise.

Evra: HE WILL?

*Tiny holds heart shaped watch very threateningly. Evra flinches, and Tiny lets out a booming laugh*

Larten: I seem to be confused. Is Desmond Tiny your father or not? *Speaking to Cookie and Heatha, who do not reply*

Darren: *after long pause* So, are we going to attack Debbie or not?

Mika: Why do you sound so afraid?

Darren: I'M NOT AFRAID! I'M EXCITED!

Heatha: Darren, you're a very bad liar. Just so ya know.

Larten: *Explaingly* After we last saw Debbie, she changed... Dramatically.

Wolfgal97: Hello my fellow Cirque Du Freakies! I shall end this Chapter by doing two things! As my adoring fans have requested, Cookie and Heatha, are letting me join this fic! Yay for you! I shall be included in the next chapter of this genious fic! I AM NOT TINY'S DAUGHTER! I AM AN INSANE CREPSLEY FAN HIJACKING THIS FIC! I AM NOT YELLING AT YOU! Okay, maybe a little. I shall end this chapter by glomping my love. *Glomps Larten REALLY hard. He seems to like it in his begruding way*


	3. Chapter 3

_***Note from the author…. So…. I didn't put a note in the others… I just kinda forgot! And, we apologize for all of the spelling errors… And again for the OOCs. AND we just wanted to thank Roxypony, because, you know, she's just like, the goddess of all DS fics. EVER. And, she's amazing, in general. (We would be so amazed if she read this, btw) So yeah…. Read and review would be nice?***_

Cookie: Okay. So now that THAT'S out of the way, let's continue, shall we?

Darren: *whimper*

Cookie: *smacks Darren upside the head* SHHHHH! I HAVE TO TELL WHAT HAPPENED LAST TIME! …... ANYWAY, last time we made plans to slaughter Debbie and you got to meet WOLFGAL! *applause*

Crepsley: Oh dear... that girl needs to learn that age difference DOES MATTER! What if I was a rapist! Not that I am saying that I am. She could get seriously hurt!

Cookie: I don't actually think she cares.

Crepsley: You mean DO NOT!

Cookie: I MEAN SHUT YOUR DIRTY GINGER MOUTH! *removes her sock and uses it to gag Mr. Crepsley* *then gets attacked by Wolfgal*

Cookie: EVRA! SAVE ME!

Evra: meh.

Mr. Tiny: *glares evilly at evra*

Evra: I mean, I WILL RESCUE YOU! *shoves wolfgal away from cookie*

Cookie: MY HERO! *Tackle/hugs evra*

Kurda: AWHHHH! THEY'RE SO CUTE!

Cookie: *evil hiss* Stay away from my Evra or I'll KILL YOU! *A stake from the hall of death magically appears in her hand*

Kurda: ECKKKK! BAD MEMORIES! Shhh, go to your happy place Kurda, just go to your happy place. *rocks back and forth*

Cookie:... oops.

Heath: Don't be sorry for that, Cookie... He had it coming.

Kurda: You only say that because you love Mika, who hates me. If you weren't automatically bound to hate me, you'd probably actually like me.

Heatha: *Evil glare* I probably actually would NOT like you.

Darren: Stop being so prejudice.

Heatha: YOU stop being so prejudice.

Darren: *Confused* Whaaaa?

Cookie: *yelling in Darrens ear* SHE SAID, "YOU STOP BEING SO PREJUDICE!" Dang, you must be getting old. What are you now, 40 some?

Darren: *sniffle* I still LOOK young.

Cookie: SO WHAT! Does that mean that since you LOOK young you're allowed to date 15 year olds! GET A LIFE YOU CREEPY STALKER AND ACTUALLY LEARN SOMETHING FROM MR. CREPSLEY!

Crepsley: Agreed.

Mika: HEATHA WILL YOU MARRY ME?... Wait. What?

Mr. Tiny: Yay people puppets!

Cookie: HEATHA! How many times do I have to tell you not to make people do whatever you want! IT'S NOT NICE!

Heatha: OH LIKE YOU DON'T DO IT TOO!

Cookie: HEY, I ONLY MADE CREPSLEY DANCE AS AN EXAMPLE!

Heatha: BUT WE ALL KNOW THAT YOU MANIPULATE EVRA EVERY DAY!

Cookie: AND WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN!

Heatha:... Well... Uh, errr, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, YOU JUST WANT TO MAKE ME LOOK LIKE A FOOL!

Cookie: But you already are doing such a great job at it yourself!

Heatha: *points finger at Cookie and makes her smack herself* HAH!

Cookie: You have three fingers pointing back at yourself *Heatha smacks herself*

Mika: Okay, now, let's not get- *Smacks himself, then glares at Cookie*

Cookie: WHY DO I ALWAYS GET BLAMED! I FEEL LIKE DARREN!

Darren: *facepalm*

Heatha: Well, why would I make him smack himself? *Acts innocent, when it's obviously her*

Cookie: Cause it turns you ONNN!

Mika: *looks mortified.*

Mr. Tiny: Girls, stop fighting.

*Both immediately clamp mouths shut*

Larten: IT IS A MIRACLE!

Cookie: MMMH HFILKDALKJASFUBIB!

Everyone but Heatha: Huh?

Cookie: *sigh* *walks up to Larten* *SMACK!* Hmm Mfff!

Heatha: Hm hm! *Looks completely in agreement*

Mika: There is no way they came from this earth

Seba: THEY CAME FROM MARS?

Evra: Are they stuck like that?

Mr. Tiny: Unfortunately, no. They will regain themselves in a matter of seconds.

Cookie:... YOU REALLY DO CARE! *Happiness. Extreme. Happiness.*

Mika: I care too, I really do. It's just with my conflicting personality and emotions, I have no way of really controlling what I say.

Heatha: We will talk about that LATER, Mika. Just... Shh.

Darren: Somebody's in the doghouse.

Seba: I do not understand. We have a house for dogs?

Larten: No, Seba, you see-

Heatha: Larten, just let him be.

Seba: Let me be what?

Larten: But he is confused.

Heatha: He is a confused old man, let him be.

Larten: But-

Heatha: I SAID LET HIM BE! DO YOU WANT TO BECOME A PUPPET AGAIN? BECAUSE I AM FULLY CAPABLE OF DOING SUCH!

Larten: Noo, I do not. So I shall let the old man be.

Seba: LET ME BE WHAT!

Cookie: *ruffles Seba's hair* You can be anything you want to be Seba! You just have to BELIEVE! *inspirational music in the background*

Seba: *confused*

Harkat:*Ninja appears from who-knows-but-doesn't-really-want-to-know-where* Why am I... here?

Darren: HARKAT! I MISSED YOU!

Harkat: Well don't I... Feel so loved?

Cookie: HARKAT! *grabs Darren and Harkat and Evra* GROUP HUG!

Heatha: *Hugs Mika for no apparent reason*

Mr. Tall: I do believe that is entirely inappropriate.

Cookie: Did you miss everything else in the fanfiction? There are much worse if you wish to go reread WAY up there.

Darren: Up where?

Heatha: Nevermind...

Larten: It is not as bad as this one time. It was at this club, and Heatha and Mika had both consumed WAY to much of their allowed percentage of wine. Well, everyone had, but the two of them considerably.

Heatha: Larten...

Mika: Ummm, let's not-

Larten: *Going on like nothing had been said* You see, there was this very large pole in the middle of the table, and-

Cookie: Hey Evra was that the same night that you and I-

Evra: SHHH COOKIE! Let Larten continue with his story!

Heatha: No, let's not.

Mika: I agree.

Evra: It's WAY better then what she was going to say...

Heatha: I don't think so...

Mika: That night was a big mistake.

Heatha: EX-CUSE me?

Mika: Well, uh, er, I mean, uh... Sorry?

Larten: AS I WAS SAYING!

Heatha and Mika at the same time: SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH LARTEN NOBODY CARES!

Wolfgal: YES THEY DO!

Heatha: Okay, well after he SAYS anything, it will poison their MINDS!

Darren: Is it really THAT bad?

Cookie: It is! You see, what happened was they took the pole in the middle of the table back to Vampire Mountain and put it in Mika's room then they ate insane amounts of jello. So I've been told. Scandalous isn't it!

Heatha: VERY good Cookie. That's EXACTLY what happened.

Larten: That is not what I heard.

*He begins dancing again*

Darren: *Dies*

Wolfgal: HOLY CRAP. *Drools*

Heatha: Okay, let's not get to carried away with this *Larten stops dancing*

Seba: What an intriguing display. The way he-

Heatha: SEBA YOU DROPPED A QUARTER!

Seba: OOOH SHINY!

Cookie: QUARTER! WHERE! SEBA! STOP RIGHT THERE! IT'S MINE! *fights Seba for quarter*

Heatha: *whispering* PSST! Cookie, there isn't really a quarter!

Seba and Cookie: WHAT! WHY WOULD YOU LIE! YOU ARE A LIAR LIAR WITH YOUR PANTS ON FIRE!

Evra: How did they say that at the exact same time?

Darren: DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT! SOMEONE PUT OUT HEATHA'S PANTS!

Larten: *pours water all over Heatha who was standing close to Mika*

Heatha and Mika: MY HAIR!

*Heatha grabs a bucket of water from thin air and throws it towards Larten, who ducks. It keeps flying, and pours all over Kurda*

Kurda: AHHHHH! DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW LONG IT TAKES TO GET THAT 'GENTLY TOUSLED' LOOK! DO YOU! I HAVE TO STRAIGHTEN IT THEN TEASE IT THEN USE 'BIG AND SEXY' HAIRSPRAY AND IT TAKES FOREVER! I NOW CALL RIGHTS TO USE MIKA'S BATHROOM FIRST EVERY MORNING! CAUSE IT'S THE BIGGEST AND YOU HONESTLY DON'T NEED A MIRROR THAT BIG FOR SOMETHING THAT U-G-L-Y!

Heatha: Did you just call MY MIKA ugl-ay? Have you SEEN yourself recently? Mika, take my shoes. THIS IS GOING DOWN!

*Kurda starts dancing around like a ballerina*

Mika: I had to take your shoes for this?

Heatha: Yes.

Kurda: WEEEEE

Heatha: Oh, NOW YOU LIKE THAT? WELL WE SHALL SEE ABOUT THIS!

*Kurda starts flying across the room, slamming himself against the walls quite harshly*

Kurda: I DIDN'T MEAN IT!

Heatha: Don't be sorry to me!

Kurda: MIKA YOU ARE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL MAN I HAVE EVER SEEN! I AM SORRY THAT I CALLED YOU UGLY!

Heatha: Okay, you don't have to get creepy about it. He's still MINE!

Cookie: We didn't want a confession that you're gay. We just wanted a simple, "I'm sorry."

Larten: *Facepalm*

Mr. Tall: *Facepalm*

Darren: *Facepalm*

Seba:OOH A SMACKING COMPETITION! I CAN DO IT TOO, SEE? *Smacks himself, then passes out.*

Cookie: I find that quite amusing. FOLLOW THE WAYS OF YOUR MENTOR LARTEN CREPSLEY!

Larten: Wait, wha- *Smacks self*

Cookie: *giggle*

Evra: Awh, if you wern't laughing at someone else's pain that would have been pretty cute!

Cookie: But it was cute anyway right? *puppydog eyes*

Evra: Of course it was. *pats cookie on the head.*

Heatha: Of course MIKA can't be that sensitive. *glares*

Mika: Can we not talk about this now?

Heatha: WHY CAN'T YOU JUST FACE YOUR EMOTIONS!

Mika: A PAT ON THE HEAD ISN'T THAT SENSITIVE!

Heatha: YOU AREN'T THAT SENSITIVE!

Mika: THAT WAS A HORRIBLE COMEBACK CONSIDERING THIS ARGUMENT IS ABOUT YOUR OPINION THAT I HAVE NO EMOTION!

Darren: You guys fight like a married couple...

Cookie: I thought a pat on the head was quite sensitive. *Hugs Evra's side with teary eyes*

Evra: SEE WHAT YOU GUYS DO! *protectivly hugs cookie back*

Cookie: *faints from joy*

Evra:...oops.

Heatha: I'm sorry that my... I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU ARE TO ME, MIKA VER LETH!

Mika: *suddenly taken aback* I apologize Heatha... I should have been more straightforward about this.

Darren: Are you manipulating him again?

Heatha: Shut up Darren! Mika, WHEN WILL MY LOVE SATISFY YOU!

Mika: Well, er, uh, I don't think we should be talking about this in the presence of company...

Heatha: NOT THAT LOVE YOU PERVERT!

Cookie: *wakes up suddenly* I believe that Evra thinks my love is quite satisfying! *innocent face*

Evra: Uhh, well, errr. Um, Cookie I don't think you understand what-

Cookie: OHH! Were they talking about that same thing that happened on that night when Heatha and Mika ate lots of jello!

Evra: *sigh* I'll explain to you later.

Cookie: Okay... You still owe me cookies from the very beginning of this fic.

Evra: Oh yea... Let's go! *Cookie and Evra leave the fic to get cookies*

Mika: Well... There they go...

Heatha: *Face looks something like this -_-* I'm still mad at you...

Mika: But I didn't DO anything.

Heatha: Oh, so now it's MY fault?

Darren: Here we go again. (I kinda wanna be more then friends so take it easy because I'm afraid you're never satisfied(song lyrics))

Mika: You know what, how about we just go get some of that 'jello' Cookie was talking about.

Heatha: *Starts laughing* That sounds nice.

Larten+Darren+Mr. Tall+Harkat+Kurda: *DIES*

Seba: What? I do not understand!


	4. Chapter 4

Wolfgal: Are we gonna do this? I would rather like to see Larten either 'pop, lock, and drop it,' or tap dance. Either way, I am happy. :)

Cookie: *Pops in with Evra chewing on a cookie* I could've sworn that we were going to kill Debbie... And I would rather not watch if Larten plans in 'pop, locking, and dropping it'...

whatever 'it' is I don't want to know...

Heatha: I'm all for it... Ready?

Cookie: NOOOOO! EVRA HIDE YOUR EYES!

Wolfgal: Bring it on! This is the coolest moment of my Internet life!

Heatha: Wait, Larten 'pop, locking, and dropping it' or killing Debbie?

Wolfgal: Larten can do it after we kill Debbie. Killing her is entertaining.

Mika: Ummm, well we will see... Perhaps.

Wofgal: Hey Mika, you can do it too. Heatha would be verry happy! :*

Heatha: *Embarrassed* ….Maybe...

Mika: She has to much fun with Jello...

Heatha: MIKA SHHHHH!

Wolfgal:*brings in Larten, then glomps him doing rabid fangirl scream* Ah! This makes me happy, indeed!

Seba: ARE WE HAVING A HUGGING CONTEST! YAY! *Glomps Mika, who reacts quite harshly*

Darren: I'M SO SCARED!

Wolfgal: ITS OKAY! I'M HERE FOR YOU! *releases Larten to glomp Darren.*

Larten: *Hyperventalates* finally! AIR!

Cookie: Hmmm, off to kill Debbie we go! *snaps fingers and we all land, quite violently, in the middle of Debbie Hemlock's living room*

Darren: *falls over* ECK! I FELL!

Debbie:... WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE!... Hi Darren *Attacks darren quite prostitute-ishly*

Heatha: *Cough cough* Umm, okay then. Hi Debbie.

Debbie: HOW DO YOU KNOW MY NAME! *Still hanging all over Darren*

Mika: Ummmmmm, this is awkward...

Wolfgal: Get away from my adopted vampiric step son you *has been edited for viewer purposes.*

Cookie: DARREN! NOOOO!

Darren: Uhm, I feel quite awkward in this , could you get off? *Tries and fails to pry Debbie off of him*

Debbie: BUT I NEED YOU!

Wolfgal: And I NEED you, Debbie! I KNEED you in the FACE!

Seba: Earlier 'pop, locking, and dropping' something was mentioned. I don't understand what that is.

Debbie: I KNOW! *pops, locks, and drops all up on Darren*

Darren: WHAT ARE YOU DOING!

Debbie: Don't pretend you don't like it!

Darren: I'M NOT PRETENDING!

Cookie: GET YOUR FILTHY HANDS OFF HIM! *makes Debbie fly across the room*

Larten: I think that...dance...looks interesting. Wolfgal, will you teach me?

Wolgal: *eagerly teaches the PLD dance to Larten. Larten looks happy*

Cookie: LARTEN! I DON'T THINK YOU ARE QUITE RATIONAL RIGHT NOW!

Wolfgal: But he is quite good at it!

Cookie: Well I'm quite good at kicking puppies but does that mean I should do it! Noooo!

Evra: Uhm... Seba! Tell your assistant that he should stop what he's doing!

Seba: *To busy attempting to pop lock and drop*

Cookie: SEBA! NO! YOU'RE TOO OLD FOR THAT STUFF! YOU'RE GONNA BREAK SOMETHING!

Wolfgal: ENOUGH! We shall save it for after we kill Debbie. Who wants the honors and how shall we do it?

Cookie: Hmm, we could always snap her neck. Because there was someone else who's neck got snapped and she didn't do anything! WHY DIDN'T YOU HELP SHANCUS! *crys and leaps at Debbie's neck*

Wolfgal: Cookie, you do know that being a daughter of a certain child eater lets you bring back dead people...right?

Cookie: *pauses in mid-air* REALLY! but he won't be a little person right?

Wolfgal: No... but can you bring back Steve so we can kill him again? That would make Larten happy.

Heatha: That seems totally irrelevant...

Cookie: Let's being Shancus back! *Shancus magically appears*

Evra+Cookie: YOU'RE BACK! *Hug Shancus with tears of joy*

*Heatha pulls an A-K47 out of nowhere and shoots Debbie..*

Heatha: Nobody else would do it... so... She's dead...

Cookie: I would have done it... BUT THEN SHANCUS CAME BACK!

Wolgal: Should we rekill Steve, or should I make them wait for my fic, "REVENGE OF THE CRAZY CREPSLEY FANGIRLS"? we could do both...*smiles innocently while sharpining knives*

Cookie: I think that they should just wait for the fic

Wolfgal: mmmtay, * starts crying so Larten goes to comfort her*

Shancus: Momma, I love you!

Cookie: YES! MY SON LOVES ME! even though Merla gave birth to him but she was deemed an unfit mom/wife so I took her place!

Evra: Umm, Shancus, you know that she's not actually your real momma, right?

Shancus: WHAT! *starts to cry*

Cookie: *Hugs Shancus* It's okay Shancus! Your daddy is just confused! *whispers to Evra* Let him think what he wants!

Evra: *sigh* fine.

Cookie: *smile*

Wolfgal: Evra, the reason cookie got rid of Merla was because her name was too similar to MERLOUGH! You know, the bad man Larten saved you from? Shancus, it will be okay. Cookie is a good person, and even Darren is adopted!

Shancus: Yay! *hugs cookie*

Cookie: Awh! You're so cute Shancus! *Hugs back* Evra, don't curl up in a ball again! It's okay! I won't let the mean purple man hurt you *Comforts Evra*

Evra: WE AREN'T SUPPOSED TO SAY THAT NAME WOLFGAL!

Cookie: Shh, it's okay! Go to your happy place Evra, just go to your happy place. *pats Evra on the back*

Wolfgal: I'M SOOOO SORRY! I think your scars are manly! Ask Larten! How do you think I felt when he died? *Sobs some more*

Cookie: Hey! Those manly scars belong to Cookie and Cookie alone! *Hisses and hovers over Evra protectivly*

Wolfgal: I meant that in a friendly way! He is yours HE is just my adoptive stepson's adoptive brother! *Now sobs harder*

Cookie: Ohh, that's okay then! And don't cry!

Larten:: You made my future mate cry! HOW DARE YOU!

Cookie: How dare I? I dare like this, *flicks Larten between the eyes*

Larten: AUGH!

Wolfgal: Do you wanna go on the list of people I must smack? Right below STEVE? *GROWLS*

Cookie: not particularly, but now I've proven to Larten that you're perfectly okay.

Wolfgal: Not nice! I let you bring your son back!

Cookie: True and I thank you for that but when ever you speak that way to a 'spawn of Destiny' you are pretty much asking to get flicked... or worse.

Heatha: Hey now... Let's not get carried away here...

Wolfgal: SO YOU ADMIT YOU ARE HIS SPAWN!

Cookie: no, it's just that your lover vamp called me that. Which wasn't very nice of him...

Heatha: OKAY WE NEED AN INTERVENTION HERE! DON'T MAKE ME CALL A THERAPIST!

Mika: Please don't make her angry... She takes it out on me often.

Cookie: *GASP* YOU'RE AN ABUSIVE LOVER HEATHA! THAT'S NOT GOOD! MIKA IS VERY FRAGILE YOU CAN'T JUST TAKE YOUR ANGER OUT ON HIM!

Mika: I'm... Fragile?

Heatha: He's only fragile to you, because you like to drop him like he's on fire, which now that I think about it, sounds bad...

Cookie: Would you rather have me say that I dropped him like he was hot? Cause I think that would have led to much worse things.

Wolfgal: TIME OUT!

Heatha:...*Sigh*

Cookie: Point proven *Smile*

Heatha: Time out corners don't work on her... She likes writing on the walls in her own blood.

Cookie: Hey! I already have been to therapy for that! There's no reason to bring it up now!

Wolfgal: I'm taking this to MAURY! You can get a paternity test, and Mika can get council for being the object of Kurda's comming out of the closet!

Heatha: I don't think paternity tests work on people who aren't technically people...

Mika: I'm Kurda's WHAT NOW!l

Wolfgal: He wants you to be his gay lover.

Heatha: *glaring at Kurda* Oh NO you DIDN'T!

Mika: *Goes to kill Kurda who arms himself with a blow dryer* *Mika slashes the blow dryer with his sword, and Kurda starts crying.*

Darren: Okay, Mika, that was kind of harsh.

Harkat: Just a little...

Heatha: I saw no problem with it -_-

Kurda: *sobbing* NANCY!

Wolfgal: *gasps* did he just call Mika a nancy boy?

Seba: WHO'S NANCY?

Kurda: My blow dryer! But she was MORE then just a blow dryer!

Cookie: Was she your blow dryer with benefits?

Wolfgal: *laughs histaricaly with Larten* This is better than pay per view!

Seba: What is this paper view you speak of?

Wolfgal: You would call it an abomination , but shall explain any way. You may pick whatever movies or television shows you wish and may watch whatever you want, but must pay to do so.

Seba: THAT ABOMINATION HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH PAPER AT ALL!

Heatha: No, Seba... It's Pay-per-view.

Seba: I do not understand. *sadface*

Cookie: Shh, it's okay Seba. There are many things you'll never understand but that's okay.

Seba: WHAT DON'T I UNDERSTAND!

Cookie: A lot of things. But you will, possibly, understand in time. Then again, you may just become even more confused with time... Who knows! Oh wait... I probably do...

Heatha: You know to much. I think you should share some with Seba, so that he isn't as confused.

Mika: Can you do that?

Heatha: We can do anything.

Darren: *quite innocently*: Can you fly?

*Heatha and Cookie both begin to fly*

Darren:*has heart attack*

Cookie: Oopsie. Someone should help him...

Heatha: I VOTE... EVRA!

Evra: Uhm, what does he need?

Seba: I think the poor boy needs mouth to mouth.

Evra and Cookie: HECK NO!

Darren: *splutters* I'M *gasp* FINE! *cough*

Heatha: Ummmm, you're blue in the face... Oh, no, you're green now. It's all good.

Mika: You hang out with the snake boy and his group too much... Green isn't normal for most people, just so you know.

Heatha: Don't undermine me, Mika Ver Leth.

Darren: PLEASE DON'T START FIGHTING LIKE AN OLD COUPLE AND THEN LEAVE TO GO EAT JELLO AGAIN!

Cookie: I think green's a perfectly normal skin tone. *snaps fingers and grows many green scales* See! Totally normal! And now we match! *links arms with Evra*

Mika: Still, not normal *turns paler then thought possible*

Heatha: Well that isn't either...

Wolfgal: Stop being raciest! Scales are okay for Evra and very pale is okay for Mika! Thats just how it goes!

Cookie: See? Wolfgal knows what's up.

Evra: Uhm... Cookie? I can't feel my arm anymore...

Cookie: Oh! Oops. *lets go of Evra's arm which was turning a strange purple-ish color*

Wolfgal: SEE! I know what's up! Haha!

Heatha: So... What are we going to do now?

Cookie: Uhmmmm... I don't know... MIKA! What should we do!

Mika:... How should I know? If this fanfic was RATIONAL then I'd say we get back to Vampire Mountain like we normally should but this insult to Darren Shan is FAR from rational.

Darren: Wait...who insulted me?

Mika: Not you. The author of the book series we exist in... wait. If we're in a book... How did you even get here? *glares suspiciously*

Cookie: Psh, silly goose we were in this book from the begining! *looks about nervously*

Mika: No you weren't, we would have noticed you.

Heatha: No, you wouldn't have.

Darren: HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?

Heatha: Well, um, you see, because we are the daughters of Desmond Tiny-

Darren: I thought Mr. Tall said you weren't?

Mr. Tall: It's useless to even try to lie anymore.

Heatha: AS I WAS SAYING-we can, well, um, sort of make ourselves invisible. So, you guys never noticed us.

Cookie: Yea! We're like ninjas!... or chameleons... yea... *Sticks out tongue and turns invisible*

Evra: This could turn out badly...

Seba: *gets poked in forehead by an unseen force* AUGH! WHICH ONE OF YOU ABONIMATIONS DID THAT!

Darren: *raises hand* Wait... what? NOO! I didn't do it! Cookie is making me raise my hand!

Seba: YOU LIAR! *tackles Darren*

Cookie: *turns visible again and giggles* I find this amusing.

Mr. Tiny: How precious! She takes after me! *smiles proudly*

Cookie: Noooo, I love everyone! You... don't. So...yea.

Mr. Tiny: HOW DARE YOU INSULT YOUR FATHER!

Cookie: Like this, YOU'RE A MEANY! AND YOU MADE YOUR CHILDREN ALL INTO COMPLETE WACKOS!

Mr. Tiny: *gasp* YOU DO TAKE AFTER ME! *tears of joy*

Cookie: Ugh... Heatha, our father dosen't understand how child rebellion is supposed to work...

Heatha: See, Cookie, with Da-I mean Tiny, you can't acknowledge his presence. It works better that way.

Mr. Tiny: You can call me Dad, Heatha. Or Father. Mr. Tiny just seems so informal.

Heatha: *Silence, looking at Cookie as if waiting for an answer, like Mr. Tiny had said nothing*

Cookie: But then he'd do something mean like make Vampire Mountain crumble in on itself!

All Residents of VM: NOOOOOOO!

_**To Be Continued….**_

_**Maybe….**_


End file.
